A gay man recently wrote into sex advice columnist Pamela Stephenson Connolly at the U.K.’s The Guardian about the frustrations he’s feeling over his total top boyfriend who absolutely refuses to bottom.
“I am a 28-year-old gay man,” the man writes. “In previous relationships I was — mainly — the top. I have been with my current partner for two years and in this relationship I have only been the bottom, as my partner has a fear of it.”
“I am very frustrated, and have contemplated cheating, which fills me with guilt,” the man continues. “I love him very much, but feel as though we are incompatible on this basic level.”
That sounds like quite a predicament, and one many gay men have no doubt faced at some point in their lives. Luckily, Pamela Stephenson Connolly is an expert when it comes to these sorts of things.
“”Your feelings about sexual bottoming are perfectly valid,” she writes. “A conversation about fairness, in which you honestly express your feelings and ask for change, is needed.”
Connolly continues: “Try to delve into the metaphoric meanings of topping and bottoming for both of you. Once you feel truly understood, attempt to renegotiate that contract, expressing yourself calmly and clearly. If there is an impasse, discuss other options, including outside arrangements.”
“But note,” Connolly concludes, “in consensual sex, the person bottoming is in control (psychologically topping, since he has the power to withdraw his permission). Do you really want to give that up?”
What advice would you give this man in dealing with his sexually stubborn boyfriend? Sound off in the comments section below.