Every yuletide season, Christian chestnuts and the wondrous Bill O’Reilly get up on their soapboxes and school non-Jesus-followers about the “true meaning” of the holiday while simultaneously grasping for evidence of the alleged war on Christmas.
Usually, we just go LOLOLOL, hahahaha, etc. Or ignore them altogether. Though the truth is, there is a war on Christmas. But it’s not just atheists, gays and Starbucks committing the worst offenses against taste and style. There are plenty of Evangelicals who are just as, if not more, guilty and we’ve got the proof. Pretty much we are all guilty.
Scroll down for evidence that the war on Christmas is not just a figment of Christ-followers’ warped imaginations…
The Ted Cruz Holiday Sweater
This limited edition holiday sweatshirt being peddled by Ted Cruz’s official presidential campaign is not only offensive to Christmas (screw-the-poor Cruz as Santa, really?), but it’s offensive to ugly holiday sweatshirts everywhere. And at $65 a pop, it’s a ripoff, too.
The Australian dance diva’s latest effort somehow manages to combine all the worst elements of Christmas music and EDM into 40 auto-tuned minutes of bad holiday-themed dance floor anthems and over-the-top Christmas standards guaranteed to suck every last drop of cheer from your yuletide season.
Madonna’s rendition of Santa Baby
While we’re on the subject of dance divas, in 1987, Madonna released a cover of the song Santa Baby, taking an already insufferable Christmas jingle and making it even more horrid. Thanks for nothing, Madge.
Good Tidings And Great Joy by Sarah Palin
In a nutshell, Sarah Palin spends 250 joyless pages ranting about atheists and other non-Christians, bashing all the godless Facebook trolls who are out to get her, and demanding respect from others while simultaneously disrespecting anyone who does not subscribe to her religious or political beliefs. And all in the name of Jesus f-ing Christ. Merry f-ing Christmas, a-holes!
Oprah‘s Favorite Things
Year after year, Oprah has led her legions of followers into a vast valley of credit card debt by giving them a laundry list of lavish holiday gifts to buy for themselves and their loved ones. Past items on Oprah‘s “Favorite Things” list have included iPads, $100 yoga pants, cashmere sweaters, designer handbags, Burberry coats and a 7-day Royal Caribbean cruise. Oh, and don’t forget that subscription to O Magazine and that DVD of The Oprah Winfrey Show: 20th Anniversary Collection as stocking stuffers! #ka-ching!
Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas
This 2014 “faith-based Christmas comedy” features Kirk Cameron playing himself as he embarks on a quest to remind his brother-in-law about the biblical origins of Christmas. The film has the unique distinction of being the lowest-rated film on the Internet Movie Database’s bottom 100 list. It also has a zero percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes and won four Razzie Awards–Worst Picture, Worst Actor, Worst Screenplay, and Worst Screen Combo (for Cameron and his ego).
Cher’s Holiday Shop
Each December, Cher launches her own personal war on Christmas (in an ironic way, of course). The “Cher Holiday Collection” available at Cher.com features an array of shamelessly tacky Christmas-themed t-shirts and sweatshirts, coffee mugs and ornaments all featuring the Believe hitmaker. The cumulative effect of the collection ends up feeling like a giant F.U. to the gods of X-Mas.
The AFA’s Online Christmas Store
Every yuletide season, the American Family Association takes a break from railing against LGBTQ people and instead turns its attention to scolding the general population for being shallow and materialistic and for failing to properly acknowledge the real reason for the season, Jesus H. Christ. So then why does the organization also have a special page devoted exclusively to Christmas gifts on its website? Two words: Trojan horse.