“We don’t have much data on adult male penis size from 60 years ago, despite Alfred Kinsey’s efforts,” Dr. Phil Hammond (not to be confused with Oprah‘s Dr. Phil) writes in a new op-ed dedicated entirely to the subject of penile shrinkage. “However what we do know is that men are living a lot longer and carrying more weight than they used to. Sixty years ago, half of us died before the age of 65. Now one in three of us live to 100.”
So what does this mean, exactly? (For our penises, we mean.)
Well, as Hammond puts it, “many of us are having to carry our penises around for another 30 years or more.”
Naturally, as things get older, they wear out. You see it all the time. Cars stop running. Clothing falls apart. Relationships splinter and decay.
Dongs are no exception.
According to Hammond, “the older penis droops more, just as all parts of the body seem to hang down lower, but it doesn’t always stand up and swell like it used to and so may appear smaller.”
“Drugs like Viagra can help a failing erection,” he continues, “as can a cock ring. Indeed, any penis is capable of expanding hugely if it has enough blood in it.”
But beware those cock rings, fellas! Too much use can actually cause your penis to turn black and maybe fall off.
“A cock ring stops the blood escaping but you should never have it on for more than half an hour and always choose one with handles,” Hammond advises. “If you just put the ring on, you might not get it off again. It swells up like a wedding ring on a septic finger, and eventually turns black.”
But it’s not just droopage that causes the penis to appear a different shape or size. Bellies, too, can make your pecker look smaller by swallowing it up in fat.
“A big belly makes your penis look smaller,” Hammond explains, “and if you can’t see it at all when you look down you need to get a grip quickly. You’re at high risk of type two diabetes and arterial disease, which can also affect the frequency and firmness of your erections.”
The bottom line, Hammond says, is that “a good erection is a sign of good physical and mental health.”
But don’t worry too much about it. Most likely your wiener will be just fine. And even if it does droop or shrink as you approach your golden years, don’t let the bastard get you down.
“Creativity, love, laughter, soap and good communication are much faster route to a happy love life than six months alone in the dark with a penis enlarger,” Hammond says. “Trust me.”